I have had a few interesting thoughts the past 24 hours or so and I think it helps to acknowledge them in some way. I know Mike does his best to understand how I am feeling, but sometimes it is truly only something that makes sense to those that have been through it themselves.
After the third day in the hospital, I had to take part in an "discharge class" for parents. I found out about it very early that morning and Mike was on his way to take Ainsley to preschool, so I went alone and instructed the nurses to tell him where I was. (He showed up at the end of the class.) I sat in that room for 40 minutes, listening to the nurse talk about various components of parenting, and I gripped the chair so hard my hand turned white because all I could think about it was "I am the only person here without my babies." The other parents were all oohing and aahing their babies and mine were just down the hall, learning how to be babies. For some reason, that has been one of the most difficult moments of this entire experience, next to leaving the hospital without them.
I know my hormones are all over the board, that I have the baby blues that often hits a few days after delivery. I have moments I feel okay and I do a puzzle with Ainsley and keep my mind occupied. Other moments, like last night, I went into a full panic because it was getting dark outside and I had to turn all the lights in the house. Why? I have no idea. I have had more strange anxiety this time around.
Ainsley is also home sick today, which upsets me greatly because not only is she sick, but that means I cannot get to the boys until later tonight. I called and checked on them. They haven't gained weight in 2 days, which isn't that big of a deal, but considering they are having some spit-up issues, it may keep them there longer. They have to be gaining weight consistently and be able to nipple-feed their bottles. They are feeding okay, although it takes a lot of effort to get them to get that 40 ml down, which is considered a "full-feeding" for a preemie. I want them to come home, but I am so worried that I won't be as effective as the NICU nurses in getting them to eat, etc. I know they won't send them home until they feel sure they will do well, but I know it is nearing since they are meeting all of their other milestones.
Anyway, here are a few more pictures of them. You know I am not big on posting pics of my kids on here, but I could not resist sharing these. Aren't they gorgeous?