It's not like we live near a nuclear power plant or have been exposed to pesticides, but whatever . . . .

As I lay awake the other night, listening to my husband breathing next to me, I tried not to think about all that some people end up having to do to get their children here, biological or not. And while I think we endured a lot to have a healthy child, it is certainly not nearly as much as what some people have to go through. But as I once mentioned years ago, my doctor told me after my second miscarriage, "You can't compare pain." Not being able to have a child, having miscarriages, infertility issues, or losing a child after birth, that are all unimaginable to the person who has never experienced anything of the kind. And they all hurt.

I am all about the power of positive thinking. My dear friend here has finally successfully gotten pregnant after countless years of secondary infertility, all unexplained. She is the queen of positive thinking, so I try to model myself in her fashion. I stumbled upon a list of women with secondary infertility issues the other night, but had to shut the computer off after reading for a while because it simply overwhelmed me too much. I mean, I look at my sweet Ainsley's face and I sometimes ask myself, "Would it be okay if she was all I had?" And the answer is . . of course. She is everything. But I think that is why it makes it so much harder, knowing what else I could have. Perhaps a little boy with her sweet chubby cheeks or another little girl with sparkling blue eyes that loves to dance and sing and chase butterflies.

So . . . I have been trying to be an optimist about our situation and not dwell too much on how much more difficult it seems this time to get pregnant. My gut? It tells me something is wrong, but I haven't wanted to think it and then "will" it to happen, but something is . . not right.

Mike's sperm analysis came back today. It is abnormal. The hair literally stood up on my arms as I listened to the nurse's brief explanation and I left all of the food in my shopping cart in the middle of the store and walked out and drove off.

Apparently, because my doctor doesn't specialize in infertility, he is going to make a phone call to his friend here in town that does. (Anything from having to eliminate months of waiting and useless trips to get similar explanations.) While I don't have all of the details, the nurse did say that the positives are that he had enough sperm and their motility was good. What was abnormal was the amount of sperm that were irregular and his ph level. Honestly? I am not going to sit here and google myself to death. I haven't even told my husband yet, which I am sure will be a lovely conversation. Our appointment is September 9th. In the meantime, I am just going to continue doing what I'm doing, I guess. And I didn't fill the Clomid this month. I thought and I would wait and see what his sperm analysis looked like first. I think I made the right choice.

So, quick change of subject, although not as cheery as I would like. Ainsley's BFF left today for Korea. As I mentioned before, her Mom will going to work on the base in Seoul. I have told Ainsley that Emily is on an airplane and we won't see her for a long time, but I think she is too young to comprehend. I am framing pictures for her playroom of all of their playtimes together and getting a Skype account and a webcam so the girls can chit-chat. Below are a few of my favorites, from when they were just wee-little ones, until now. (Minus  their faces, you know how I am.)

P.S. Ainsley has been rocking potty-training. An accident here or there, nothing major. Still refuses to have a BM on the potty, but I think that will come with time. Those 50 pairs of panties I bought for her aren't going to be utilized as much as I thought, since she is doing so well!

Comments

[cat, galloping]

I'm sorry for that news. I can imagine all the things that are spinning through your mind as you think about whether and what action to take.

One thought: I know sperm count can vary drastically month to month, so it may be worth asking if that is possible with your husband's issue as well.

Thinking of you.

[Heather]

Thank you so much for the compliment!!! You have no idea how much it means to me! I'm sorry to hear about the sperm analysis. I'm wondering if vitamins might help? I have DH on vitamins of my choosing for the past several years. I explain what they are all for. One's a multivitamin from GNC, then fish oil capsules, Vitamin E, and Vitamin B complex - 50 mg for stress.

I do know exactly how you feel. Our Phoebe is just so wonderful, I could be happy with just her, but there is a part of me that just feels like we're not finished and I must admit, I would like her to have a sibling to have a relationship with. Hopefully a really good relationship, even though they will be 8 years apart.

[caity]

Hi! Somehow internet bread crumbs lead me to your I understood you on many levels.i tried for 7 yrs to have a baby with 3 miscarriages in the 2nd trimester. It was so hard but now I am holding my 3 mnth old elliana while she sleeps.I never would have had her if it wasn't for the support I got at a trying to concieve board I found. Please do not think this is spam,it truly change my life and supported my thru my infertility. The link is http://tryingtoconceive.yuku.com/forums/2

It is a great bunch of women,i'm forlynn on there but my name is cait.Come check it out if you get a chance!

[Melissa]

So so sorry to hear about the low sperm count. I sure hope it all works out for you guys.