Anyone have a happy pill?

Ambivalent. That is about how I feel about everything, it seems. It is pretty obvious that this month is a bust. Just waiting around for the impending period from hell. I have no desire to go and see my doctor or a specialist, even though I am due for my yearly exam. Guess I should get around to making that appointment and start scheduling. Maybe I am afraid of what they will tell me or what tests they will want to run. Maybe I am just hoping that my body will remember what to do and get pregnant. I hate the ritual of temping, of taking medication, of monitoring hopeless pregnancy signs. I hate that I can’t be one of those people who “doesn’t try” to get pregnant and just . . does. After all, I have to take the Prometrium, which means I have to know when I ovulate, etc. It is such a stupid, boring, endless ordeal. I have been weepy since Tuesday of last week. I actually thought I would escape to the movies today while Ainsley napped at home (while Mike was working in the yard.) I went to see Indiana Jones. I thought, “Sure! Action flick! Keep my mind off of things!” Yeah. Uh, no. It reminded me of loving the movies when I was a child, and then I inevitably started thinking about Ainsley growing up, hopefully with a little brother or sister to chase around, about the family movie nights we’ll hold with popcorn and cuddly blankets. Which made me cry. I CRIED DURING AN ACTION MOVIE! I hate hormones. P.S. The movie sucked. I hate being disappointed by movies. The Happening was awful, too. I kept waiting for Al Gore to crawl out from under the curtain and tell me to stop global warming.

 

Other things on my mind? I have 9.5 days of school left. Then, I am off to the new job. Where I know no one. I would be fine with this, but I am leaving my classroom after five long years, leaving some of the families that I love dearly. I had parents so upset last week that I wouldn’t have their children next year. My principal keeps hinting at me to stay. But I know I need a change. Change is hard, though.

 

The other thing weighing me down is my friend, Kim. She has just accepted a position with the Department of Defense. Great, right? It is in Korea, which means she is moving away with her daughter, Emily.

 

Emily just happens to be Ainsley’s BFF. It is strange – books tell us children can’t form close friendships until they are around 2 years of age, but these two sought each other early on, well before their first birthday, at school. That is actually how Kim and I became friends. And they are going through all of the drama with moving, selling cars, houses, etc. So, we haven’t been around each other much lately and Ainsley asks no less than 10 times a day to see Emily. It breaks my heart. I think my husband thinks, “Oh! Ainsley will just make new friends!” And I know she will. But it doesn’t change the fact that I know Ainsley misses her already and I wonder what it will be like when she moves in just a few short weeks? You have read about my inability to get really close to people and so I catch myself looking around for other parents with children Ainsley likes to see if I can start setting up some new playdates. And really? This whole cyclical thing leads me back to how sad I am that I am not pregnant with a sibling for Ainsley to play with . . . does that make sense, in a strange way? I know, they will be so many years apart, etc. and it will be years before they can play together. But I grew up on a farm and my brother was born when I was 3 ½  and he was my best friend from that point on. I didn’t formulate deeper friendships with kids my own age until well into first grade. But then Sam, my brother, was always a part of our time together.

 

Oh, blah. I just feel blah. I just want to go and argue with someone to make myself feel better or do something totally stupid and mindless.

Comments

[Dooneybug]

Oh hon, I'm so sorry you are having a tough time. You've got a lot of things going on in your life right now and just like you say change is tough, well stress makes it that much harder. Wish I lived closer and we'd totally go out and have those margarita's. Take care and know I'm hoping things get a little easier there!

[cat, galloping]

I feel the exact same way about just about everything you wrote. Plus throw in that every month I don't get pregnant I go through the mind-fuck of whether or not I want to do this anyway. I do, just sometimes I can't remember why.

[S]

Oh...I'm sorry you are feeling not so good. Change is hard but sometimes it helps you grow into the person you are supposed to be! I know the whole sibling struggle for an only child...why can't it just be easy?

[Erin]

That's a lot of difficult things happening all at once! Here's a hug from me to you.

[Heather]

Sorry so many changes are coming at once. Definitely try to keep the girls in touch. My DD made her first best friend when she was 9 months old and they were BFFs until they went to kindergarten. Three years later, my DD still talks about her friend Isabelle. It's great she made a friend so early. I think when that happens it shows that she can form good bonds of friendship. That's how my DD is and I'm not like that at all. If you're going to cry during a movie, my favorite is "In Her Shoes", Cameron Diaz and some other actress I've seen around. They are sisters with a really close but rough bond. I cried at the end thinking Phoebe might never have a sister and know that feeling. I don't have a sister either, but I know Phoebe really wants one.

Hope you're feeling better soon.

[Melissa]

I am so so sorry you have having such a tough time right now. I know what you mean about having a tough time getting close to other women. I am the exact same way and am so sorry to hear that she is leaving. I hope things will all work out for you though.