Bed, Birth, and Beyond

After Ainsley went to bed on Wednesday, I made comfort food and settled in at my computer to watch "The Business of Being Born". I had so many thoughts during the duration of the film that varied from, "Wow, it is friggin' awesome that Ricki Lake showed her birth video for her project" to "Is the reason I had the baby blues so badly because I had a c-section and didn't get the hormonal rush they talked about that only happens after a vaginal delivery?" I laid awake in bed that night and pondered Ainsley's birth and whether I had been cheated somehow. By Thursday, I had decided that no, I hadn't and I did everything I could to get her here as naturally as possible. It just didn't quite work out that way and I believe I will be totally okay if I never get to have a "natural delivery". There is something very appealing about being able to say "I did it!" But if I never get to, that is okay . . .

Which leads me to what is not okay with me, and that is only having one child. I really, really, really, really want another baby. Really. It aches. I spent the duration of my massage last weekend visualing my eggs and picturing them gleaming with health. I envisioned my pregnancy and the ultimate perfect, healthy outcome. And when I got my peak reading on the monitor this month, the time I spent trying for another was less about *doing* and more about *enjoying and achieving*. I won't say this isn't my month - I will say that I feel positive for this month, more than before. I am so, so optimistic. I even cleaned out the guest room today, sold my queen bedroom set that no one uses, and laid on the floor in the empty room and pictured it encompassing all of Ainsley's furniture, my growing belly shaking with fleshy kicks, my daughter laying in my lap and knowing she gets to have a brother or sister soon, my husband painting the walls while listening to Fleetwood Mac because he doesn't want me to fall off the ladder or breathe the fumes.

It was beyond all of the dreams I have had recently . . .  and it was so real I could almost touch it.

Comments

[Jen]

Best of luck--hope that vision comes true very quickly!

[Erin]

Oh--I remember that feeling, hurting for my second child. I now know that the 10 months I waited to be pregnant with him wasn't very long, but it felt like torture. It was worth every minute, and every minute of being sick during pregnancy. He is truly the most special gift from God. I hope your vision becomes reality--soon.

[Natalee]

Oh hon, I hope your dreams become reality...and soon.