Vegas Mommy

Grrr

I feel like my foul mood has started to rub off on those around me. So . . . I will get out all my irritations in the first paragraph and then let's move on, shall we? During this week alone, I have received word of three friends' pregnancies. It is so hard to be happy for them, I am not going to lie. I am, but the *old me*, which could quite possibly still be the me that is trying again, if that makes sense, still gets all worked up inside when I see how easy it is for someone to conceive. Other annoyances? We are having our first heat wave here and I have killed 6 scorpions in my house in the past month. I fucking hate bugs, especially ones that could potentially hurt my child. I don't sleep well because of this and so now I am irritated AND tired.

On a lighter note, I got a new camera from my husband for Mother's Day, which I am loving. I also get to indulge in my post-Mother's Day spa day tomorrow for three grand hours. I need a few hours to just clear my head and do something for me. Overall, I think I have been pretty calm with my range of emotions lately, but slowly I am starting to feel things creep up on me that I don't like. Maybe it is just because now I can count the amount of months I have been trying again on two hands. I don't know.

But anyway, maybe tomorrow will give me a chance to refocus and relax a little. Ovulation is approaching. I am pretending that it isn't important, but it has been weighing on my mind.

Dr. Google, can you see what finger I am holding up??

After googling "ways to increase your fertility", I basically came up with the same three things time and time again, in every article I read.

1. Eat more colorful, healthy foods and vary your diet. Stay away from alcohol, caffeine (ug), refined sugars.

2. Don't smoke, use lubricants, and get some exercise.

3. Your most fertile months are October-March.

So, basically, all I need to do is end my love affair with Starbucks, shove some red, green, and yellow bell peppers into my salads (ew), and wait another 5 fucking months until October. 

Mothering Today and Everyday

I have always wanted to be a mother, for as long as I could possibly remember. And the ache of longing for my own child is something that is still fresh, like a pink scar that doesn't fade. Having to battle through my own personal hell to get my daughter here has made me the person I am and I believe it has made me appreciate her more, too.

Nearly two or three times a week, I am struck by a fellow blogger's story of loss, heartache, pain, longing, and sometimes I even meet people in my own life that are going through troubles similar to my own. I weep openly when I read them because there are so many women who should be mothers and aren't yet. I saw the look on the woman's face today as my family and I left dinner and the hostess said, "Happy Mother's Day!" to her. The woman's eyes welled up with tears and I knew, just knew, that she had been trying and never succeeded. That very same thing happened to me a few years ago and I couldn't believe the insensitivity of someone. Even when someone says it to me now, I scratch my head. I'm a mother? Finally? Really? The Mother's Day cards from my students just made my head swim.

So, I will be thinking of all of you tomorrow. Do something for yourself, regardless of whether you have reached motherhood or not. Celebrate you. 

CD 1 (expletivity-expletive)

I'm off to Starbucks to get three extra shots of espresso.

Livin' it up in the desert

Here are some pictures of our recent gardening to keep those of you playing the at-home game of "Guess what is happening with Sara's chart today?!" . . . . . . . . . . distracted.

Prometrium=Good Vino

It has been so long since the Prometrium has made me feel drunk. Does anyone else feel that way when they take it? Let's put it this way . . . it has taken me a long time to write this. Whoa . .  (severe head rush) . . . . time for bed.

P.S. Why won't my flipping chart give me crosshairs to show I ovulated????

Sesame Street Live - Now with Popcorn!!

We had the opportunity to go and see Sesame Street Live this afternoon and absolutely loved it! I highly recommend it to anyone that has the chance to go that has a child that likes the show. Below is a picture of my little ham, who danced in the aisle, but couldn't even tear her eyes off the stage for two seconds while grabbing popcorn from the bucket. Great fun!

The *fun* of trying again

Husband made it back from New York before ovulation was set to commence and I did fabulous things like clean the house top to bottom, pick up his dry-cleaning, make homemade brownies, and light some candles. Did I mention I also shaved? (Come on, don't act like you are the perfect wife either. Everything has a price.) My seductive charm has worked and we have been doing the one-day-on, one-day-off thing since he came home. However, the fun of trying again includes the following small bumps in the road:

1. Ainsley messed with my basal thermometer and now I can't get it off of the celsius reading. So, every morning, I have to convert my temperature to fahrenheit. And all before my morning cup of joe . . . I transposed the numbers my first morning and thought I was coming down with a temperature. 

2. I ran out of fertility monitor sticks on Wednesday morning and I haven't made it to the store for another (expletive) $50 box, so whether I ovulated or not is a toss-up, mostly because I have this stupid slow-rise temperature right now.

3. CM this month has pretty much been nonexistent. And since I can't check my cervix (I just . . . can't . . . it freaks me out entirely too much) then I have even less of an idea what is going on with my cycle. Husband has elementary field day tomorrow and is working tomorrow night, so our delightful pattern will be coming to an end unless I resign myself to giving it up at 2 am when he gets home, and let's just say that is not going to happen if I have anything to do with it.

Eh! We will see. 

What a week . . .

Husband's dearest grandmother (who helped raised him after his mother died when he was one) passed away on Monday night. He left on the red-eye, Ainsley and I not being able to fly back East with him because thanks to the cost of oil, airline tickets would have ran us $3,000 and change. I was back at work on Tuesday after a very short track break, with the 5-day countdown to our big CRT exam. You know, the one that determines if you pretty much did your job educating today's youth, regardless of learning disabilities and language acquistion. But whatever - so I have spent the last four days doing eight (yes, dear Lord, eight) Geometry lessons and doing all that I hate, which includes "teaching to the test". My house looks like a bomb went off and I am eyeing a bottle of wine across the room as I complete this. Mmmm, dinner.

On a final note, because I haven't watched or read the news in over a week, I thought I would sit down tonight and catch up. This article is nothing short of revolting. I am all about great artistic expression - but can you say wtf? It makes me ill.

Happy 2nd Birthday!

My sweet Ainsley,

Today is your birthday, or as you call it, your “happy day!” You loudly have told all the neighbors and anyone else that will listen that you are “TWO!!” We are so proud of you, big girl.

At two years old, you are Miss Independent and the Toddler Queen of the Universe. Most of the day finds you happy as can be. You love to be outdoors still and are fascinated with animals of any kind, helping Mom and Dad with the yard, and going for walks around the neighborhood. You just moved up to Miss Abby’s room at school and you are now with the 2-3 year olds. I think you have adjusted fairly easily – your best friend Emily is in the adjoining room and when I come to pick you up from school, I usually find you both playing intensely with sand, sliding down the much bigger slides, or riding together in a cozy coupe car. You moved into pull-ups this past week, too. Potty training is in full swing, but I have a feeling we won’t be finished until summer is over. Please feel free to prove me wrong, dear.

Elmo is still your favorite character right now, but any of the monsters from the movie Monsters, Inc. take a close second. Your Dad and I can now recite the entire movie word for word, but we still love it. You love puzzles and books and balls still and you recently have been cooking us up some interesting dinners in your new play kitchen. You have long, detailed conversations with yourself, which mostly make sense from the outside, and you seem to like your time alone and entertain yourself well. However, when your friends are near, they take up all of your attention. Nothing is better than chasing them in and out of the house and playing with them outside in the backyard.

You are talking up a storm these days, too. Everyday you use new words in unique ways. You love to scream, “I did it!” when you accomplish something difficult. You also scream, “Daddy did it!” when he turns on the lawnmower and scares you half to death. We love to be surprised with your kisses, which you give randomly throughout the day. You cuddle more now than ever, too. However, when Ainsley is upset about something, all is not right with the world. Watch out! You have had some impressive tantrums. Time out works really well for you and you really seem to think about what it is that you need to work on and then you say, “Sorry, Mommy.” Hugs follow your apology and you are off to play. It is so hard not to stay frustrated with you for long.

You don’t know it yet, but we are aching to get you a brother or sister to play with. I sometimes wonder what it would be like with two children, but if your brother or sister ends up learning things from you, Ainsley, they will be just as lovely. I could not be more proud to be a mother - You never cease to amaze me. We are the luckiest parents alive, baby girl.

"Happy Day" to you on your 2^nd birthday!

Mommy